Keith's Ramblings

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The Baaamy farmers were chatting away, except for Arthur who had his head in a newspaper puzzle, “I’m stuck”, he said, “I could do with some help, my grandson’s never here when I need  him – he’s at uni and there’s a crossword club in his lodgings, two floors down and three doors across he told me; the other day he asked if I fancied a go at sudoku, I said I never liked the idea of martial arts then he laughed and said it was numbers game, so I said count me in!”

“I used to love quizzes”, said Ted, “but the ole memory aint what it used to be, I thought it would be a good idea to write down my daily chores in a book so I wouldn’t forget to do them, Monday washing machine, Tuesday pop to the shops, Wednesday, something or other, Thursday, erm, well, never mind, you get the drift” ; “is it helping?” asked Barb, “it probably would if I could remember where I left it” Ted replied.

Over at the knitting circle Polly was talking about her piano, “I’m thinking of getting rid of it”, she said, “it’s taking up too much room and I’m no good at getting a tune out of it, I can’t even eat with chopsticks let alone play it, anyway, someone appeared at my door yesterday, she said ‘hello, my name’s Dee Sharp and I’m a piano teacher’, I said I didn’t ask for her to come round and she said, ‘I know, your neighbour did’ “.

You may remember I told you that Bert was getting a new bull, well, he went to liveskock market the other day and got himself one, “he’s a big beast” said Bert, “I watched him lick his lips whenener he saw an attractive cow and I thought, yes he’s the one, I’ve called him Big Boy because he’s not just huge, he’s big his busineess department too if you get my meaning – tomorrow I’ve set him and one of my cows up on a blind date, I’m looking forward to seeing how he gets on”, “if he’s that big he’ll probably flatten her when he does” quipped Colin – “OY”, shouted Landlord Len, “I’ll have none of that bulloney in my pub”!

That was all Colin needed to get him going, “crosswords upset me, I try not to get too down – the clue was 7 letters starting O  and meaning easly understood, it should have been obvious  – ‘assist’ has 3 letter S’s, the others are just there to help – I asked the shop worker if she could recommend something that gets rid of germs and she said ‘ammonia cleaner’, and I said I know you are‘ – I asked the book shop assistant ‘do you keep stationary here?’ and she said ‘no, I walk about’ – I asked the toy shop assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls were and he pointed and said ‘Aisle B, back’ – when I need help adding up I ask Tommy, Hilfiger it out – accupuncturists have lots of assistants, they needle all the help they can get – pianist have knives because they like Chopin – when they to the mall they take a  Chopin Liszt……” 

All that talk about crosswords reminded Len of how his dearly departed Maggie used to start each day by turning to the back of the newpaper where the puzzles were, she often got angry with herself when she was stuck for an answer to an easy clue, “I used to help you”, muttered Len – ‘and there was never a cross word between us’ , she whispered.

 

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where this week’s given word is Help.

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I may as well not be have been there. The only person I spoke with was the waiter.

Fork in one hand, his phone in the other. I moved his plate of food aside, he didn’t notice. You should have seen him prodding the table! I put it back then drank his wine. He said nothing, just scowled at me.

I messaged him, said we had to leave. The babysitter needed to go.

He actually spoke, ‘another blasted text’, he said. Didn’t read it though, he was otherwise engaged. 

I’m on my way home now. Wonder if he’s noticed yet?

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Prod a frog to visit the squares!.

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Thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers

PHOTO PROMPT © David Stewart

For Wordless Wednesday and other bloghops too!

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This morning I walked east along the beach to the cliffs.

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Click pics to enlarge and improve!

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Up we go!

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…and we’re back where we started!

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Hope I didn’t tire you out! 

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It was her birthday once again. No presents, no cards, not even a phone call but that wasn’t unusual. She’d not received anything for years.

She’d ordered a bunch of roses from Interflora with a birthday message to herself attached. It was something she did every year. At least she got a ‘happy birthday’ from the guy that delivered them.

They looked beautiful sitting on the window ledge. She knew it was silly but she couldn’t help but talk to them, after all they were the nearest thing to company she would have.

That evening, after eating a ready meal for one, and enjoying a glass of wine she heard some noise outside. She gingerly parted a couple of the roses and peered through the window wondering what was happening.

There was a group of people. They were walking along the street laughing and waving their hands in the air.  For fear of being seen, she swiftly returned to her chair.

Her doorbell rang, giving her a start. Who was  it? What did they want?

She walked to the door and opened it, just a fraction.

“Surprise!”, shouted the crowd. 

Surprised she was, for it was the last thing she’d expected!

“Oh, no”, said one of them as they fell quiet, “this seems to be the wrong door, sorry to disturb you miss”.

 

 

 

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?.

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It’s a distant memory but still I see him lounging in his sumptuous armchair, a glass of whiskey in his hand, a ring of smoke rising from his Cuban cigar.

William Stanley Billiscombe, Bill but to a select few, was Lord of the Manor. Forever a batchelor, he lived his life alone. 

Famed for his tweed jackets, leather riding breeches and silky silver hair, he was oft to be seen sauntering along the street astride his trusty mare, politely gesturing to folk as he passed them by.

He was a esoteric soul, there were limits to how much we knew of his closeted lifestyle. Maybe I knew a little more than most as I was employed by his preferred supplier of food stuffs and each week, collected his list then delivered to him the items he wished to purchase. 

The last time I saw him was somewhat different. He’d not answered the door when I rang the bell.  I let myself into the Manor using a key, the whereabouts of which few were privy to. 

Yes, he was in his chair, but his cigar was stubbed out in an ashtray, his whisky glass lay on its side, its contents spilled. He was gone.

Often, I look into the sky and see a circle of cloud. That’s when I think of  him again, with a ring of smoke rising into the air.

 

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Thanks to Brenda for hosting The Sunday Whirl where this weeks given words are – limits list still bill smoke ring distant wish silky spill fit and key. There was only one I couldn’t fit into my story!

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Thanks to Sammi Cox for hosting the Weekend Writing Prompt.

*Here’s a puzzle for you – can  you spot the mistake in the challenge box?

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It’s St Georges’ Day today, the patron saint of England, and this morning Landlord Len proudly put up his flag outside The Baaamy Inn; he was telling the farmers that a chap from the council appeared and said there was a limit on the height of flagpoles and asked how tall it was; “I had no idea” said Len “so I  asked Gardener Gary who was levelling some flagstones if he could help, Gary pulled out the pole, laid it on the ground and measured it – the council bloke said, ‘I need to know its height, not its length’!”

The door burst open and in came three girls, hopping, skipping, jumping and  waving little flags in the air, they asked barmaid Brenda for a large pitcher of Pink Gin cocktail and when she asked what they were celebrating Girl One said they’d ‘just completed a jigsaw in record time’, Girl Two said ‘in just 45 minutes’ and Girl Three said ‘it says two to four years on the box’, then they sat down, nattering, laughing and clinking glasses; Polly from the knitting circle said,  ‘we’ll have to knit ourselves some earmuffs if they become regulars!”

Once again Ted had been playing golf that afternoon, his eyesight isn’t great and just lately he’s had difficulty focusing on the flag he’s supposed to be aiming for, “my elder brother Bill still sees well”, he said, “and I asked him if he’d come along  and help me out, well, I tee’d up, took a hefty swipe but I couldn’t see where the ball went, so I asked Bill if he saw it and he said ‘of course, I’ve got perfect eyesight’, when I asked him where it was he said ‘erm, sorry, I can’t remember’ “. 

Bert’s been having breeding problems, for many years his faithful bull Bollock has fathered many a calf and has always been very keen when required to do his duty, however, just lately he’s been less than enthusiastic and instead of galloping across the field when called he just stands there for a while; “my son suggested I try doing what matadors do and wave a red rag at the bull, I don’t have a red rag but I do have a red flag, the one I use to stop traffic when my herd crosses the road, so I tried waving that but it made no difference, I guess I’ll have to put him out to grass and find a randy young bullock to replace him!” – Suzie at the next table leapt to her feet and started singing, ‘reddy or not, here I come’, and the girls One, Two and Three joined in – you should have heard the din!

Joker Colin pointed to them and said “if you keep making that much noise Len will baaa you”, and then his weekly punfest commenced, “the kid who jumped from the school flagpole was suspended – I took a flag waving test and passed with flying colours – flags are erotic because when the wind blows they pole dance – I don’t know much about Switzerland but it’s flag’s a big plus – the flag outside their embassy vanished, they’re nonplussed – golfers love donuts, always a hole-in-one – they eat sand wedges too – bulls wear bells because their horns don’t work – a bull with one horn is a mooonicorn – the cow said to the bull ‘I’m not in the mooood’ –  the cute bull fighter was matadorable – if a bull charges you, pay him…….” 

Landlord Len had been quiet all evening, not in a bad way but a contented way which several of the regulars found surprising given the racket the three girls had been making – actually, they were the reason he’d sat there with a smile on his face, for it reminded him of where and when he first met his dearly departed Maggie all those years ago – ‘I saw you across a crowded room’ he muttered, ‘singing away with your mates, and we locked eyes’ – ‘and I threw away the key’ , whispered Maggie in his ear.

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Thanks to Denise at GirlieOnTheEdge for hosting Six Sentence Stories where today’s prompt word is Flag.

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A new home, a new garden. What a mess, it was completely overgrown. 

After a couple of weeks of hard labour it began to take shape. There was just one corner to go.

It was there I found them, all kinds of curiosities buried deep beneath the surface. Ancient keys, sculpted roses and more. 

My delight was shortlived, for to my horror I came across some remains. Ribs, a spine, then a skull buried in a makeshift grave. 

Should I tell anyone what I’d discovered? No, I’d let them rest in peace. Whosoever left them must have loved their cat.

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Prod Froggie to visit the squares.

Many thanks to Rochelle for hosting Friday Fictioneers.

PHOTO PROMPT © Lily

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For Wordless Wednesday and bloghops various

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Part two of our walk around the park!

 

Click pics to enlarge and improve!

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Just look at the mess. You cherubs will be the death of me – or someone else if they trip on those toys you’ve abandoned everywhere. I mean, dying once is unfortunate enough, but falling down the steps and doing it again is simply not fair.

They’ve made it all the way along the path to eternity and through the narrow gate only to stumble on the stairway to heaven which you’ve littered with Bangel Dolls and springy things.

Now let’s get this place cleared up before the Boss sees it.

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* No, that wasn’t me in the audio! I’m no good at angelic voices so got Suno to create  an AI version for me!

Thanks to Sadje for hosting What Do You See?/

Image Credit; Sebastian Knoll @ Unsplash

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